My mom is always bugging me. She asks a lot of questions and is always trying to control what I do. How do I get my mom to give me some space?
Before we get to the how to change her behavior, we should think about the why? Is there something in your behavior or in your relationship that makes her distrustful or uncomfortable? Let’s look at you first— it’s always wise to start with assessing your own role in a problem. It’s always easier to blame the other person, and The Dad tries to protect against that tendency by starting with himself.
It’s very possible that the need to hover is linked to her level of comfort in your judgement, maturity and honesty. Are you trustworthy? Can you think of any times that you have invited her vigilance based on poor choices? Is she as concerned with what your siblings are doing, and if not, do they tend to follow rules more carefully than you do, or show better judgment? If you are finding that you’re probably most of the problem, The Dad recommends that you talk to her, let her know what you want to change about your behavior and her rules (in that order) and then be prepared to build the trust necessary for her to lighten up.
Once you’ve thought about your own role, think about your mom. Is there something in her experience that compels her to be overprotective? In some cases, your mom may have made a bad choice around your age and doesn’t want you to make the same mistake. It could also be that your mom and dad aren’t unified on your boundaries, and that you have developed a tendency to get permission from your dad that your mom wouldn’t normally give to you. If you always appeal to your less strict parent, your more strict parent will probably become even more strict or concerned about what you’re up to. This is why in The Dad’s household, The Dad and The Mom had a strict rule that kids could not “shop around” for a ‘yes’ once one parent said ‘no.’ It’s also why parents should strive to present a unified front. For example, The Dad’s parents did not agree about whether The Dad should get a motorcycle at age 16, but they discussed their opinions privately and gave The Dad one answer— shockingly, a yes, as a team. The Dad’s mom made no bones about not loving the decision, but they were nonetheless unified, and The Dad likes to think that his record of not making too many stupid choices helped her feel comfortable in the long run. Not making stupid choices is the first step to solving the problem, if it’s on your end.
Before you decide that the problem is clearly on her end, is it possible that your view of what she should allow is distorted? Look at your friends’ parents, and your aunts. Are you expecting your mom to give you an unreasonable amount of freedom given your age, your experience, and your environment?
It’s also possible that your mom is lonely and is afraid of losing you, either temporarily or permanently, to other friends or interests. Relatedly, she may not have many other hobbies or interests that allow her to focus on something else, and so she worries unceasingly about you and what you’re doing. (Some worry is part of the job, though!) It could also be that she doesn’t feel ready to let go— or that she feels like you’re pushing her away. In this case— really, in all cases— it’s probably better to over-communicate than under-communicate, and to be proactive. Tell her where you want to go, who you’ll be with, when you will plan to be home, and be willing to spend a few minutes when you get home talking about what you did. This kind of openness has another benefit: it requires you to make good enough choices that you won’t have trouble discussing them with her. And as the Dad has found, accountability is a great thing to have! And if she’s lonely or is sad about you potentially growing up, talking with her will reassure her that she’s still important to you, even as she takes on a less managerial role of your life, because that is ultimately one of the goals of transitioning the parent-child relationship into an adult friendship.
Unless you’ve just been making terrible choices and your mom is completely justified in circling you at all times, The Dad believes that ultimately your problem is with communication. If you’re communicating well, you can tell her that you think she’s hovering, and your mom can tell you what she wants or needs you to do in order to gain more freedom. If The Dad were the one doing the hovering, he would want to hear something like, “I’m concerned about the amount of time you spend checking up on me. What is it that I can do to make you feel more comfortable?” If you say something like that, Mom will realize that you’re both asking for a little more space and also trying to be aware of what’s going on in her frame of mind. And as you work through the transition of dependence to independence, the effort to understand one another will pay off for years to come (but The Dad makes no promises about whether you’ll get permission for a motorcycle in the meantime).
And remember... as The Dad always says, no matter what happens, even if your mom never stops hovering and you are certain that even prisoners enjoy more freedom than you do...even if all of those things happen and more, they can't eat you!
Not sure The Dad got it right this time? Have something to add? Comment below to let The Dad know!
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